When LIFE is going peachy for me I tend to do two things:
1. worry.
2. feel guilty.
I think to myself,
Wow, this is pretty awesome! Do I deserve this? Did I earn this? Is this a blessing to give me strength for a hardship to come? How long will this GOODNESS last?
Me admitting this does not make me proud.
It's been a flaw of mine for as far back as I can remember.
Take for example, the love I have for Jeremy--who I am so totally certain is my soul mate, and YES I believe in that mushy..cheesy stuff.
With that love comes fear.
The fear that this is too good to be true, that surely this will be taken from me.
And every single day I fear a world where he is not by my side. A world where he isn't hogging the whole entire bed, or wrestling with Parker in the living room. A world without the smell of HIM and the feeling I get in my stomache every single time he walks through the door.
I had these same feelings the moment Parker was born. I can remember my panic when the nurses took Parker away--even if it was just taking him back to be bathed--it was just a taste of the pain that would consume me every time I felt helpless as a mommy.
I remember the OH so many crying spells I had after bringing him home from the hospital. I worried. Worried he would get sick. Worried he would stop breathing while sleeping, so worred that I would lay my hand on his chest until I felt movement. Worried someone may drop him. Worried about every little thing. But most of all, I worried that I couldn't live in a world without him. I had NO idea how deep the love for him would be, and it brought me to tears for weeks. I loved him so much it hurt.
And then there's my mom. My best friend. My rock. I can't imagine not calling her a million times a day, even if it's just to see what she had for lunch.
These are my fears.
My deepest fears.
Losing the ones I love most.
I don't talk about it with them, because, I mean, really how do you have that conversation. But I'm pretty sure each of them get me well enough to know.
Of course, I also embrace and soak in the good times.
Taking mental and literal pictures of every *shining* moment along the way.
I try to memorize the way these moments smell, the way they taste, the way the smile feels on my cheeks when a moment touches my heart.
Once I captur those memories, I put them in a safe place and hold onto them in case they are needed for strength and comfort in the future.
